I can’t believe we drank the whole thing.

Apparently, I’m not as popular as I think I am, so it is entirely possible that some of you reading this right now were not previously aware that on Friday, September 5, 2014 – a date that I am electing as my new birthday – I became the lucky recipient of Austin Beerworks’ infamous 99 Pack of Peacemaker Anytime Ale. This Texas-sized six-pack on steroids is much more famous than I am, so you probably know a thing or two about its existence and the history behind it, but in case you don’t, here’s some background:

First, it begs recognition that Austin Beerworks is a kick-ass brewery with a sick and simultaneously super sexy sense of humor. If you don’t believe me, you can check out their website, visit their brewery, or just take my word for it, you condescending a-hole. Since their beginning in 2011, they’ve been brewing the subject beer, Peacemaker. Until recently, Peacemaker was labelled as an “Extra Pale Ale.” The style, admittedly, caused a bit of confusion on the beer drinker’s part. They didn’t know what exactly to expect from an extra pale ale. Was it extra hoppy? Extra ale-y? Did it contain pieces of human flesh or, like, some candy or something? NO ONE KNEW! So Austin Beerworks used their aforementioned tomfooleristic talents to reclassify Peacemaker and start their first ad campaign, which is blazing brew trails at an alarming rate.

Peacemaker is now an “Anytime Ale.” If you’re too stupid to know what that means (and I’m going to assume you are), it means that this ale is the perfect ale to drink anytime. Anytime at all. It’s light, it’s malty, it’s refreshing, it’s bright, and it’s like this all the time, anytime. So, now that it’s clear this beer is meant for anytime, and hopefully at least a small part of that message has wormed its way through your fat head by now, you are probably realizing exactly what the brewers at Austin Beerworks realized. If you can have Peacemaker anytime, you’re going to need a lot of Peacemaker. You’re going to need 99 Peacemakers. BEHOLD, THE 99 PACK!  Austin Beerworks’ gift to God. You’re welcome, God.

Of course, like all things completely and utterly glorious, the 99 Pack is only being released in limited quantities. And even though Austin Beerworks has been keeping fans updated on their whereabouts through twitter (@AnytimeAle), these packs are very hard to come by. They’re so rare. I mean, really, it’s next to impossible to get one…

UNLESS YOU’RE ME, BITCHES!

I won my 99 Pack through Wheatsville Co-op on South Lamar. I put my name in a box the night before the drawing, and at noon the next day, I received the fateful call. Let me tell you, I live a simple life. I don’t have kids, I eat lots of rice, and I only own two pair of jeans. So I am in no way exaggerating when I say that the voicemail I got from Wheatsville telling me I’d been selected to purchase a 99 Pack for $99 was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I got up from my desk, rushed to my boss’ office, shouted something incoherent about how I’d be late for our one o’clock meeting because of a bunch of beer, and then left to claim my prize. Mind you, I’ve only worked at this job for two weeks now, and I was not at all hesitant to lay it on the line for this 99 Pack. It was a golden ticket opportunity, and I felt like Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but slightly better dressed.

The staff at Wheatsville Co-op were wonderful! While graciously choking back their tears, they congratulated me, took pictures with me, and helped me load the 99 Pack into the back of my SUV. And, yes, like a roll in the hay with Jon Hamm, it barely fit. From there, I drove it home with the care of a parent who’s taking their newborn home from the hospital, even though I don’t really know how careful that is. A friend met me at my place and we carried the 99 Pack up three flights of narrow stairs to my apartment, where I’ve never been so happy to feel almost dead.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t fantasized about this moment every day since the Anytime Ale 99 Pack was announced. Dreamed about it to the point that I knew exactly what had to happen next. It is my humble suggestion, as the author of this blog dedicated to perfect beer pairings, that if you are so #blessed as to obtain a 99 Pack, you should immediately parrot with an impromptu 99-themed party! If you can have Peacemaker anytime, then there’s no time like the present. My invites were out within the hour, the party would start at 9pm.

So what is a 99-themed party, exactly? It’s pretty much anything you want it to be, as long as the number 99 is involved. The sole requirement is a 99 Pack of Anytime Ale. After that, you are only limited by your imagination.

Here’s what we did for our party:

• Invited 60 of our closest beer drinking buddies, of which about 20 showed up. It was last minute, so we expected a lower turnout, and we’ve reassured ourselves that we’re not losers.
  • HINT: Do not try to work the “99” theme into the invite list. If you invite 99 people, you will have the shittiest party of all time. If I wanted to go someplace really crowded and only get the chance to drink one beer, I’d go see a show at Stubb’s.

• Took photos with the 99 Pack.

 

• Compiled a playlist where the word, “ninety-nine” is sung multiple times in each song. There are actually more than you might think. Here’s our list, plus a video of one of the best:

• “99” – Toto
• “99 Luftballons” – Nena
• “99 Problems” – Jay Z
• “1999” – Prince
• “99 Pounds” – Ann Peebles
• “99 Pounds” – The Monkees
• “Leaving 99” – Audio Adrenaline
• “99%” – Soul Asylum
• “Poor Boy” – Woody Guthrie
• “Ninety-Nine Years” – Bill Anderson
• “Ninety-Nine and a Half (Won’t Do)” – Wilson Pickett
• “Ninety-Nine” – Sonny Boy Williamson
• “Uprocking Beats” – Bomfunk MC’s
• “Ninety-Nine Years and One Dark Day” – Jesse Fuller
• “The Train of Love” – Annette Funicello
• “Long Time Woman” – Pam Grier
• “99 Bottles” – Slaine
• “99 Revolutions” – Green Day
• “The Ninety and Nine” – Ray Walker
• “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” – Sing this one live at the party

• Drank the 99 Pack and let it affect us in wonderful ways.

• Kept a running list of “99 Cheers for 99 Beers” that guests added to as the party went on. When you thought of something you felt deserved to be “cheers-ed,” you wrote it on the list and then everyone had to drink to it. Here are some highlights:
  • 1) Beer
  • 2) Sexxx
  • 3) Buddiez
  • 4) Cat Bonerz
  • 11) Brownie Bites
  • 14) Joan Rivers
  • 18) Childrend
  • 39) Rugrats
  • 55) Rack City, Bitch
  • 67) Tacos
  • 68) Touching Tips
  • 78) Jim Carrey Austin Beerworks
  • 82) Blackfish
  • 90) Tattoos
  • 91) Tatu
  • 93) Lois and Clark
  • 99) Bill Cosby’s Jello Jigglers

• Put all of our empty cans on the bar so we could keep a running tally and then shout victoriously once we’d finished all 99.

 

Anyway, that’s what we did, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg of party possibilities. One thing we didn’t do that I really wish we could have was only invite people who are 99 years old. If you do this, nudy pics, please.

Well, I’m gonna go die now, because I’m pretty sure life doesn’t get better than this. Catch you on the flip side!