Today’s Beer Parrot is brought to you by my sister, Sarah, the only person to send me a picture of their pet with a beer. Photographed above is the family fish, Bubbles II, who got his name after killing Bubbles I in a boxing match, securing his champion title and the only spot in the fish bowl.
Ok, Bubbles II didn’t actually kill the first Bubbles, but I wanted to give him an interesting backstory before he dies. This will probably happen in the next few months because, news flash, he’s a fish. This will probably also happen from alcohol poisoning because, news flash, you’re not supposed to put beer in your fish tank. Unless you’re me. I feed my fish beer and then hit them, only so that I can make the joke that they’re “beer battered.” (Side note: I’m not allowed to have pet fish.)
Anywho, Dirty Bastard is a scotch ale by Founders Brewing, and boy does it work! This beer is everything you would want in a scotch ale. Or, at least, it’s everything I would want in a scotch ale, so who cares what you think.
It’s strong, rich, and fruity, like your favorite gay uncle. It’s not too sweet, but the caramelized sugar flavor mixed with the malty fruit tones make me think of cotton candy, and immediately, I’m transported to a semi-scary carnival full of sad, drunken clowns. Growing up in the small town of Dripping Springs, TX, the closest thing I ever experienced to this sort of carnival was called “Founders Day.” Coincidence, Founders Brewing? I think not.
Recently, I have been spending all of my creative energy on figuring out the best way to cover unpopular songs from old Disney movies and re-purpose an abundance of barbecue leftovers, so I have little imagination left when it comes to figuring out pairings for beers like this one. That being the case, let’s go with the obvious. I recommend that you take Dirty Bastard Scotch Ale and parrot with every dirty bastard you can think of.
Here are the Dirty Bastards that came to my mind, and I drank a big swig to commemorate each and every one of them:
1) Kid Named Chad: You called me ugly when we were in the 6th Grade. You are a Dirty Bastard.
2) Mr. Savings-Time: I’m fairly certain this is the name of the man who created Daylight Savings Time. You’ve ruined my life. You’ve ruined everyone’s lives. I have no idea what time it is and I’m really tired. You are a Dirty Bastard.
3) Kanye West: You know what you did. You are a Dirty Bastard, Kanye.
4) That Guy Who Almost Drove Into the Side of My Car: When there are two left turn lanes, there is a clear line demarcating each lane and the appropriate trajectory with which each person should turn. Stay on your side, you Dirty Bastard. This ain’t no Thunderdome.
5) Our Cat, Harvey: Your hair is the worst thing that grows on this Earth besides the Kardashians. You are a Dirty Bastard, and I’m tired of brushing you.
6) Exploding Bottle of Homebrew: I had no idea you were living under my marriage bed. You woke me up at 4:43 A.M. and made me believe we were under attack by a gang of molotov cocktail-throwing burglars. The smell in my bedroom will forever remind me of my husband’s overzealous decision to experiment with making an ancient gruit beer. Homebrew, you are a Dirty Bastard.
7) Jon Snow from Game of Thrones: You are filthy and you have no father. You are literally a Dirty Bastard.
Who would you add to this list? Tell me in the comments below and then be sure to toast to them with Founder’s Dirty Bastard Ale. This ritual allows for a special place in Hell to be set aside for each and every Dirty Bastard in our lives. Thanks, Satan!