Live Oak Brewing Company, you have never disappointed. After being on the scene for over 19 years, you are by far the most sophisticated teenager I’ve ever met. And sexy, too. You’re a sexy and sophisticated 19-year-old brewery teenager. Grrrrrawwwr!
You might think this post is going to be about Live Oak’s recent 19th Anniversary party, which would make a lot of sense, but you’d be wronger than that time my sister thought she could microwave tin foil. I’m actually writing this to express my excitement for the fact that you can now buy Live Oak Pilz in cans! I’m also extremely pumped that their hefeweizen has been on the beer can market for a few months now, but for the purpose of creating current and punny pairings, this post will focus on Live Oak Pilz.
Live Oak Pilz is built on the Bohemian style pilsner, originating in what is now the Czech Republic. Most notably, Live Oak Pilz uses traditional Saaz hops, which lends a “spiciness” to the otherwise malt-full brew. This simply savory beer, now that it is available in cans, has become my go-to after-work refreshment. I’ve gone so far as to start calling it my “Chill Pilz,” and I’m sure to take at least a couple of them most evenings, skipping the step of calling my doctor in the morning because I already know what she’d say. She’d say, “You are doing the exact right thing for your health. You’re really cool, and you’re probably going to live forever. Keep it up!”
I will keep it up, doc, thanks! But I don’t want to be selfish and keep this Pilz prescription all to myself. I know of several other beings who could use a dose of Pilz to help them out too. I’ve seen them struggling, and the struggle is very real. So join me as I pair Live Oak Pilz with the following personal Dr. Beer Parrot prescriptions, which should be filled immediately at your local beer shop.
Traffic: Take a Move Pilz
I’m so tired of having to deal with you every day, traffic. Please mooooooove. Yesterday I was at a standstill for so long, a butterfly came and sat on my car. Do you get that? Another living creature mistook my vehicle for a giant flower because of how much I wasn’t moving. Just move, traffic. I have beer at home that needs drinking.
Downstairs Neighbors: Take a No-Gross Pilz
Please start drinking beer instead of smoking on your balcony. Beer is significantly less stinky than cigarettes and it won’t permeate through my sliding door every time I’m enjoying a meal that I tried really hard not to make taste like ashes in the first place. Also, cans are recyclable and therefore their remains are less likely to end up in the courtyard of our complex. Furthermore, pick up your dogs’ shit. THANKS!
Kids Parties: Take a Cool Pilz
Kids, I got no problems with you – you’re doing you, running around with piñata pieces and frosting all over your face, and I feel that. But in all fairness, there’s no drinking at your parties, and that’s pretty lame. Please do me a favor and when you’re old enough to speak and do a decent Matthew McConaughey impression (which should be around the 2 year mark). Ask your parents, “Did you get the Live Oak Pilz for the grown-ups that will be at my party? It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”
Guy Eating Chips Next to Me: Take a Hush Pilz
You know, sir, beer doesn’t make any noise when you chew it. Isn’t that lovely? Yeah, maybe you should trade out those chips…
My Cats: Take a Stop-It Pilz
Please, cats, just stop it. Everything. Stop everything. Stop meowing, stop licking each other in the butt, stop puking, stop shedding, stop making biscuits on my head, just stop. You know I don’t ever say it, but I secretly love you cats, and while it would be hard for me (not really), I could totally replace you both with six packs. Don’t make me do that. Stop it.
Bloody Headed Guy: Take a Hospital Pilz
Hey guy, I called 911 when I saw you walk by my car during rush hour, so I hope you were taken care of, but… uh… yeah you had kind of a lot of blood coming from your head. I’m going to recommend you got to the hospital and get that checked out. Take a some beers with you if you’re able because even though you’re bleeding from your cranium, it’s probably still going to take a few hours before a doctor can see you.
Person Who Bought the Last Pack of Live Oak Pilz From My Neighborhood Grocery Store: Take a Shame Pilz
I know you probably didn’t realize that you were robbing me of all my hopes and dreams when you took the last of the Pilz, but, well, you were. Do you understand that I now have drive about 3-5 minutes to a whole different store to get my Pilz prescription filled? You just drink your beer and you think about what you’ve done. Shame! Shame on you! That’s Shame Pilz you’re drinking. I hope it tastes like shame.
WARNING: Do not drive after drinking Pilz. Side effects my include feeling fantastic and looking really great. People who drank Pilz reported frequent urination. Drink at your own risk. #PeeParty!