As we approach Christmas, a time where some old fat man with rosacea decides whether or not we’re worthy of gifts, I feel like I can honestly say that I’m not a bad person. I pay my taxes on time, I keep my office place crop-dusting to a minimum, and I’ve never hit a child on purpose. However, the holiday season always pushes my courteousness to the limits. I don’t know about you, but despite my best efforts, I’m never able to remember every person I intend to get a gift for on Christmas. When I finally do have that epiphanic moment where I realize I neglected to buy a present for a guy at our gigantic family Christmas gathering who I’m not entirely sure I’m even related to, it’s usually too late – there are no good gifts to be found.
Because of this minor flaw of mine, I feel like it’s fair to label myself “very seldom naughty,” and allow Santa to have his way with me, or however you would say that to make it sound way less sexual. Luckily for me, while I sit here on Christmas Eve contemplating my terribly inconsiderate behavior, I have the perfect beer to keep me company. New Braunfels Brewing Company just so happens to make a beer called Very Seldom Naughty for those of us who fit the description.
This beer is a fantastic sour wheat brew that’s been barrel-aged on white wine lees. Not a person who understands wine words? Don’t worry, me neither. I had to look up what the hell “lees” are. The google-net describes lees as, “the sediment of wine in the barrel” or “the most worthless part of something.” Thank you, google-web. This confirms that a deliciously tart lees beer such as Very Seldom Naughty is well suited for me because right now I am the most worthless part of Christmas.
You know, maybe it’s the fact that I drank the entire bottle of this non-sessionable beer by myself, or maybe the spirit of Christmas has moved me or whatever, but I’m feeling like I can still turn my troublesome situation around. Yes, even though it’s Christmas Eve, it might not be too late to buy those last-minute gifts I forgot about. If you believe in Christmas miracles, join me! LET’S SAVE CHRISTMAS LIKE WILL FARREL OR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER OR ALL THOSE CLAYMATION THINGS!
Alright, obviously the time has passed where we could have purchased meaningful presents in the most efficient and laziest method: online shopping. We’re going to have to do this the old-fashioned way and go into actual stores with people inside them. It will be alright, just breathe and let me guide you.
I don’t know where you’re reading this from, but I’m going to assume that wherever you are, you probably have access to a Wal-Mart, a CVS, an HEB, or a thrift store today. I have shouldered the burden of scouring each of these locations for the best Christmas gifts for your special gift-recipients regardless of their age, gender, race, weight, political affiliation, or even their interests. Hold onto your butts, or grab the nearest butt to you, because this is going to be like my favorite kind of Mexican Food: fast, cheap, and kinda dirty. Here we go.
Wal-Mart
For only $5, you could own one of several tins of popcorn decorated with dogs that look genuinely disappointed to be near cats, Santa, or other dogs. Not doing it for you? How about a misplaced DVD of The Carol Burnett Show?
Rummi kub kub, four people playing a game I’ve never heard of. I have no idea what this game is, but look, there are numbers and one of those weird moon faces that people used to wear as jewelry in the 90s. How could you go wrong? Like the box says, “CLASSIC.”
Nothing says “Christmas,” or better yet, “Revolution,” like a $7.50 shirt from Wal-Mart. Either of these shirts is sure to please even the pickiest of picketers.
Thrift Store
I have to admit, the thrift store I went to might not be fair game here because it wasn’t just any ol’ Goodwill. It was a GW Boutique. But don’t fret, even though I was able to throw down for some upper-lower-class goods at a Goodwill boutique shop, the general concepts here can also be found at normal thrift stores better suited for you poor folks.
A framed picture is a great way to say, “Your house is ugly!” I uncovered two fine specimens at the GW Boutique:
I like to imagine that the woman in this one is asking for help repairing her violin, and the guy’s just like, “Bitch, I play piano. What do you want from me?”
Ever wanted a really crappy collage that’s made to look even crappier because it was put in a frame that breaks it up into sections that are more confusing than the original collage itself? Great, here it is!
A Christmas mug is sure to get your loved one, or your I-sort-of-know-you one, into the holiday spirit. This was a beautiful and unique find, perfect for anyone in your life named Tita…or possibly Tifa? Maybe it’s for Queen Latifah and the dots on either side represent the missing letters in her name? Honestly, whatever, you can give it to anyone with any name.
CVS
This year, CVS stands for, “Can Virginia Savechristmas?” And the answer is a resounding, “Yes!” Places like CVS or Walgreens are always great for ornaments or calendars.
This “Just Married” ornament might seem like it’s catering to a very niche market, but really, using any picture of your choosing can make this ornament fun, befuddling, and potentially frightening.
Buy these two as a set so that it will always appear as though Dory is ogling Arial’s chest.
I don’t think this calendar needs an explanation because everybody remembers and loves the hit song, “Hoo Let the Owls Out.”
HEB
HEB is the grocery store I go to because it’s right next to my house, but similar items to those listed below can be found in practically any grocery store.
This item is great for that creepy, winking ginger of yours who eats unpopular candies.
A Peep kabob! Why, you ask? You know, for Christmas. Because there’s that rule that you can sell Easter candy for Christmas as long as it’s on a skewer. Duh.
This is a great gift idea. Who wouldn’t want to drink cocoa mix out of a mug depicting Chewbacca having an aneurysm? I mean, I wouldn’t, but I’m sure you know somebody who would.
If this list didn’t help you with your spur-of-the-moment gift scrambling, then you’re hopeless. As a last resort, you might consider giving beer as a gift.
Merry Christmas!