Austin Beerworks

This German-style pilsener from Austin Beerworks is a no-brainer in the best of ways. When you walk out of the summer heat and into a bar that has dozens if not hundreds if not maybe ten beers available, and you’re overwhelmed by the vastness and variety of them all (partly because you’re not 100% sure all this isn’t all just a hallucination), how do you determine which beer is best for you? Don’t think too hard. Pearl Snap is always a wise and refreshing decision.

A pleasant contrast to the widely popular American-style pilseners that most fatties enjoy in their backyard beside a kiddie pool, Pearl Snap German-style Pilsner has flavors that are actually good. The hops are bright, but not overbearing, and it boasts a light maltiness that finishes clean. There is nothing about this beer that makes it difficult to drink, which explains why I’m on my 4th can and writing this post in me underwears. Some people call this easy-to-drink trait “drinkability,” but I don’t like that term because I feel its connotation is diminishing to the quality of Pearl Snap. Instead, I am deeming Pearl Snap a “low-maintenance” beer, meaning its flavors don’t constantly beg for your attention, but when you’re reminded of them, you be like, “Oh yeeeeah. This is a fine-ass beer.”

fishIf we were to correlate this pils to the maintenance level of pets (actually, not “if” because we’re going to correlate it…right now…we’re gonna correlate the shit out of it) Pearl Snap would be like a really cool and shiny fish. Yep, Pearl Snap and a pet fish are the perfect match. Allow me to explain the logic behind this coupling.

The heavier and the more flavors a beer has, the less it’s like a fish and the more it’s like a cat or a dog or a small child – it requires more maintenance, more attention. For instance, a stout aged in bourbon barrels with cherries would be like our cat, Harvey. First thing in the morning he jumps on your chest, bites you on the nose, and stares unblinkingly into your soul, saying with his eyes, “Heeeeeeey… Hey! Did you remember to pay attention to all my flavors? I have a lot of them. Did you remember I’m, like, really roasty and chocolatey and sweet and fruity and stuff? Did you remember that? I don’t think you remembered. Wake up and remember that right now!” And even when you finish the beer and place it outside your bedroom door, it still meows at the top of its lungs, “No, waaaaait! I’m really complex and my aftertaste has a slight alcohol burn! Pleeeeease love me.” As much as I do enjoy these types of beers and all the great things they have to offer, they can also be mentally and emotionally exhausting, not to mention they leave tufts of hair everywhere.

pet graph

 That’s why sometimes it’s nice to just have a really cool pet fish. An awesome, colorful fish that you keep in a bowl and name Bubbles or Finnegan or something clever like that. A fish that you occasionally forget you have, but remember just in time to feed it before it dies and clean its water once every six months or so. You know, low-maintenance. Like Pearl Snap Pils. The pet fish of beer.

 Afterthought: This pilsner would also go really well with a dead fish prepared in such a manner that you can eat it. So, if your pet fish isn’t working out for you, make the most of it. Oh! You could execute it like they do in France…with a GILLotine!