5 Stones Artisan Brewery


Y’all, let this beer treat your mind like an old Nintendo cartridge and friggin’ blow it! Camo is a Pale Stout that, by color alone, could easily blend in with any herd of pale ales meandering around a beer forest just waiting to be shot in the neck by a drunk who has miraculously stumbled upon a beer forest where pale ales travel in herds. Joke’s on the drunk because all sentient beers are actually carnivorous predators, but joke’s also on the pale ales because Camo is a wolf in stout’s clothing. Despite its blonde appearance, this beer drinks just like a dark stout. And not a pansy-ass stout, but a real-ass stout that you would drink on a cold-ass day with your thirsty-ass mouth-ass. Seriously, though, drink beer with your regular mouth. No butt chugging.

Beer Hunter

If you drank this beer blindfolded, which I’ve been told is how most people who dress in leather like to drink their beer, it tastes like how you would expect a stout to taste. There’s an apparent roasted coffee flavor as well as nutty chocolate tones, and pleasantly enough, the beer is not super heavy. However, when you take your blindfold off, the physical appearance of this beer is just as shocking as some of Maury Povich’s paternity test results. If you’re like me, that is very shocking.

It is a rare occurrence that something can be so confusing to me, and yet so compelling at the same time. Typically, I only experience this conflicting and exhilarating feeling when I watch any movie that involves time travel. I so want to be nerdy enough to understand the limitless possibilities of time travel theory, but my poor brain, which can barely process the paternity test results of a daytime talk show, gets so tired from all the thinking and all the drinking, that I tend to give up and just chock it up to, “try not to step on any butterflies…”

That being the case, let’s take this befuddling beer and parrot with a classic time travel movie! Really, any movie involving time travel will do, and I know there are a lot of great ones to choose from: Back to the Future (Parts 1, 2, or 3), Primer, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Hot Tub Time Machine, Time Bandits, Twelve Monkeys, Looper, Slaughterhouse 5, Flight of the Navigator. The list goes on and on in an infinite circle that continually repeats itself, never ends, and for some reason always begins with Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You, Babe.” Narrowing down this list in an effort to choose the best pairing for Camo Pale Stout is no easy task, but to me, it’s obvious. I have to go with the mother of all time travel movies: The Lake House.

It can be argued that there is not a more confusing time travel movie than The Lake House. If you’re unfamiliar with it, let me try to summarize it. Keanu Reeves is a mouth-breather restoring a lake house in 2004. Sandra Bullock is a doctor in 2006 who always kind of reminded me of Michael Jackson. They meet by sending letters through a time-travelling mailbox, which must be on its last leg because it can only transport letters back and forth between two of the stupidest years of all time. They eventually fall in love which, unfortunately for us, keeps Keanu Reeves from being hit by a bus. Also, just to make things interesting, they each own the exact same dog. Not the same breed of dog, mind you. Literally the exact same dog.

MailboxIn watching The Lake House, it’s hard not to think about all the other things they could have sent through the mailbox besides letters. Stock market trends, new technology, unreleased beers, aged beers, discontinued beers, themselves, the Decemberists’ The Crane Wife. Oh, or how about just a heads up about Hurricane Katrina?! That would have been nice. Thanks a lot, Sandra Bullock, for single-handedly ruining the world by neglecting to inform Neo about a very significant natural disaster.

Anyway, pour yourself a glass of Camo Pale Stout and find a spot where you can comfortably blend into the couch for the next 99 minutes (and a bitch is one). If things work how they’re supposed to, you’ll sip your beer and go, “Whaaaaat?” Then you’ll watch some of The Lake House and go, “WhaaaAAAt?!” Then you’ll do both of those things simultaneously and go, “Oooooooooh. I get it now!” And then you’ll be transported to the year 1984 to kill Sarah Connor.

Ok, bye.