I have an amazing friend named Kayanne. (Pronounced “Kay-anne,” like a fuggin name, not like a cayenne pepper, which is a fuggin food.) Kayanne and I met while working at SegCity where I was a Segway tour guide and she listened to old people called Segways “Seggas” over the phone. I can’t remember what exactly we bonded over so early on that led us to the beautiful friendship we have now. Sure, we shared a hearty laugh when customers fell off their Segways, but what silly butts wouldn’t get a kick out of that? I think it’s hard to pinpoint what drew us together because Kayanne is an inherently wonderful person, so friendships just build naturally around her. She also genuinely cares about her friends. So much so, in fact, that she’ll walk up three flights of stairs after a rigorous P-90X legs workout, holding back tears and vomit, just so she can enjoy a few moments of your company. That’s dedication. She is well-liked, especially by everyone’s parents, and she’s interested in so many things in this world, you’re guaranteed to have something in common with her. You like the sports? So does she. Dogs? She likes those. Cassette tapes? Duh.

friendsKayanne also likes good beer – something we can all relate to. She enjoys most wheat beers and, when the weather gets cold (aka under 80 degrees U.S. American Fahrenheit), Left Hand Milk Stout and Shiner Cheer are her go-to. Conversely, I’m sure we can also agree with Kayanne on her least favorite beer which is, of course, cancer. Cancer is the worst beer for many reasons, the main one being that it’s cancer and not really beer.

Unfortunately, Kayanne somehow ended up with this super stupid cancer beer called Non-Hodgkin lymphoma and it’s just awful. Worse than Magic Hat #9. As if that weren’t bad enough, she has to chase this beer every few weeks with a chemo cocktail, and we all know how shitty you feel when you mix alcohols. Suffice to say, cancer is the hangover of a lifetime.

But there’s good news! This week marks Kayanne’s 6th and final week of chemotherapy! She’s worked really hard to get to this point, and she’s almost reached the end. To celebrate this great feat,  I am requesting a never before heard of un-pairing. I ask that you please un-pair your all-time favorite beer with the badass bitch I call “Kayanne” and sometimes actually just “Bitch.”

What is an un-pairing, you might ask in that annoying, nasally, Fran-Drescher-esque voice of yours that makes me want to punch you really hard in the head? In this case, an “un-pairing” means I would like for you to NOT have a beer. This might sound absurd, but hear me out. I would graciously ask that you use the money you would have spent purchasing your all-time favorite beer, and donate toward Kayanne’s chemotherapy treatment instead (because the bill is coming, and chemo ain’t cheap). Whether it’s the $2.50 you were saving for a 512 Pecan Porter during Double Dave’s happy hour, or the $200 you were going to spend on a keg of Adelbert’s from Party Barn, ask yourself if you can go without it so you can un-parrot for a worthy cause. Friendship is a worthy cause. Kayanne is a worthy friend.

CLICK THE DONATE BUTTON below to make a donation toward Kayanne’s chemotherapy fund in the amount of your choosing. Leave a comment about the beer you’re foregoing so I can give you the accolades you deserve.

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