Lately, I’ve seen this article circulating the internet that gives various suggestions for pairing Girl Scout cookies with beer:
The pairings are spot on, and will no doubt make for very delicious combinations. However, while reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder two things. 1) How am I going to afford all the beer I’ll need to go with the sixty-eight boxes of Girl Scout cookies I’m buying tomorrow? 2) What about the Boy Scouts?
When Girl Scout cookie season rolls around, it seems that everyone (especially the fatties [except for the fatties that eat children]) forget that Boy Scouts even exist. To be honest, I forget this no matter what season it is, but it’s about time somebody gave this group a little recognition, because Lord knows those poor Boy Scouts’ popcorn is no match for the guilty goodness of Girl Scout cookies.
That being the case, I hope I don’t burst your bubble when I tell you that I will not be doing popcorn and beer pairings for this post. I don’t make it a habit to pair beer with food when I write, partially because it’s not really my bag, and mostly because I don’t want to be blamed for your impending diarrhea. Instead, I’m going to be showcasing the hard working efforts of America’s Boy Scouts by pairing beers with the various activities I believe they earn badges for. Here goes:
- Making a Fire – Parrot with Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier because it’s a smoke beer and fires are smoky.
- Helping an Old Lady Cross the Street – Parrot with Delirium Nocturnum because it tastes like prunes and so do old ladies.
- Being Prepared – Parrot with Real Ale Fireman’s 4, because it’s a crowd pleaser and you should always have it on hand in preparation to satiate any beer drinker’s craving.
- Pitching a Tent – Parrot with Ballast Point’s Sculpin IPA, because this beer is bonerific (and you’re going to want to hide your boner in the tent you built). Wink!
- Folding a Flag – Parrot with Rogue’s American Amber Ale because this is los Estados Unidos, tontos.
- Mowing Someone’s Lawn (not yours) – Parrot with Saint Arnold’s Lawnmower, duh.
- Serving Time in Jail – Parrot with New Belgium and Perennial Artisan Ales’ LOF Salted Belgian Chocolate Stout , because it’s salty, just like the personality of someone who’s serving a prison sentence, or like the tear drop that’s tattooed beside their eye.
- Sending Back Soup at a Restaurant – Parrot with Austin Beerworks’ Sputnik because just like Boy Scouts, this beer is bold and demands respect and it will NOT EAT SUB-PAR SOUP!
- Dealing with That Cranky Guy and Weird Bird from “Up” – Parrot with Founder’s Nitro Pale Ale because it’s light, smooth, and creamy like drinking a cloud.
- Eating a Pocket Knife or Whatever They Do with Pocket Knives– Parrot with Oasis Texas Brewing’s London Homesick Ale, because it’s bloody good!
- Getting Poison Ivy – Parrot with Twisted X’s Fuego, because it burns so good.
And those are all the badges you need to be president of the country of your choosing. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and earn your badges, badges, badges, badges, badges, badges, badges, badges, badges, badges, badges, MUSHROOM, MUSHROOM!