Last week I managed to see Jurassic World twice within 72 hours, which was an accident, but I figure that any movie I see doubly while it’s still in theaters deserves a proper beer pairing. So here goes nothing! I will forewarn you that there are plot spoilers in this post, however, since everybody except North Korea saw Jurassic World in its opening weekend, I didn’t think it would be an issue.
Walking into my subsequent viewing of Jurassic World at Alamo Drafthouse last week, I made the split-second decision that I should use this repeat screening as an opportunity to pick a beer to parrot with. After a brief scan of the menu, the choice was obvious. What better beer to pair with the beasts of Jurassic World than Lone Pint Brewery‘s 667 Neighbor of the Beast IPA?
Indeed, this was a great beer to have as my mouth-neighbor while watching dinosaurs be all dumb on screen. This American IPA is aptly named considering its 6.6% ABV and 66.7 IBUs. Though the numbers fit the description, the taste is anything but beastly. Its pleasantly bitter (not too much) and refreshing flavors present themselves in the way of citrus fruit and honeysuckle flowers. All this while maintaining a respectable malt base makes Lone Pint’s 667 a pitcher-worthy beer.
That being the case, I ordered an entire pitcher of 667 to get me through the second screening of Jurassic World. My thinking behind ordering a large amount of beer was, since I’d already seen the movie, it wouldn’t matter if IPA lot this time around. Ha! I’m clever with the words. Potty humor, puns, and pints – the triple threat!
Anyway, let’s get back to the pairing. 667 Neighbor of the Beast is a unique and original Texas beer that is pitcher perfect. But do you know what’s not unique nor original nor perfect ? Jurassic World. Am I the only person who sees that Jurassic World is clearly a duplicate of the original Jurassic Park from 1993, just not as cool? Father, forgive me, for the following is a dino-sized rant that shows no mercy.
Let’s first make one thing clear: Even though nobody’s come out and said it, Jurassic World assumes that Jurassic Parks II and III never happened. How do I know this? A few things in Jurassic World give it away. First, you know those little dinosaurs that ate that kid at the beginning of Jurassic Park II (Lost World)? Well, they’re just hanging out in the petting zoo at Jurassic World letting children pet all over them. Like nothing happened. Like they don’t want to bite the fingers and toes off all those babies.
Second, the sheer fact the Jurassic World theme park exists and 20,000 people visit it every day is proof in and of itself that the events in Jurassic Parks II and III couldn’t have happened. Those movies would have been too many mistakes for one business to make up for. Think about it, Blue Bell Ice Cream has been around for 108 years, and they may never recover from the recent listeria outbreak. (For those of you who don’t know, “listeria” isn’t even a dinosaur.) Do you really think that Jurassic World, a modern version of a failed theme park that never got off the ground, would be able to open a mere 18 years after some tiny dinosaurs went munchin’ on a bunch of kids, and a pterodactyl got William H. Macy all spooked out? No. The answer is “no.”
You get my point – in this scenario, there is only Jurassic World and Jurassic Park. Now that I’ve established this, I’m going to show you how the plot and all of the characters in Jurassic World are exactly the same as that of the original Jurassic Park. See if you can tell which movie I’m talking about in the descriptions below. Observe.
Two kids go to a theme park with live dinosaurs to visit a relative. After the starring attraction attacks their touring vehicle, they become lost in the wilderness. With the help of a dino expert, the siblings find their way back to the park headquarters, and just when things seem their bleakest, the T-Rex saves the day!
Each character from Jurassic World corresponds to a character from Jurassic Park. Some characters that were extra badass correspond to two characters.
Claire = Dr. Alan Grant
A brilliant professional who doesn’t know what to do with kids.
Owen = Dr. Ian Malcolm + Dr. Ellie Sattler
An expert in his field who correctly predicts the downfall of the park and comforts a dying dinosaur.
Masrani = John Hammond
The wealthy and eccentric owner of the theme park who authorizes the creation of carnivorous dinosaurs, ultimately putting all of the park-goers in grave danger.
Hoskins = Dennis Nedry
The fat bad guy who tries to sneak unborn dinos off the island, but instead gets eaten while trying to talk to angry dinosaur. Hoskins…Hoskins! We’ve got Hoskins here!
Gray = Tim Murphy
The super nerdy younger brother who’s really into dinosaurs and gets his face scratched up.
Zach = Lex Murphy
The older sibling who finds their younger brother annoying and could give a shit about dinosaurs. However, after taking on the role of “protector” and taking off their “hat”, they come to admire their younger brother’s strength and intelligence.
Vivian + Lowery = Ray Arnold
They work the control room and try to help when the park goes totally bonkers, all whilst holding onto their bums.
Barry = Robert Muldoon
A dinosaur handler who specializes in velociraptors and recognizes a clever girl when he sees one.
Zara = Donald Gennaro
Was supposed to watch after the kids, but abandons them and then gets eaten by a dinosaur in a watery way.
T-Rex = Indominus Rex
A big, scary dinosaur that eats people.
Dr. Henry Wu = Henry Wu
Literally the same guy.
So there you have it. This is the same damn movie as the first one. Do yourself a favor and break up the monotony by indulging in a pitcher of Lone Pint’s 667 Neighbor of the Beast and be thankful that at least one beast in the theater is an original concept.
Oh! And check out my new shop where you can buy a bottle opener or a koozie, but only those two things. I’ll make ’em real pretty for you, if you have low standards.