If you’ve read this blog from its beginning, and chances are you haven’t, you may have noticed a trend when it comes to Magic Hat #9. It’s no secret that I consider MH9 to be a terrible beer. But why? Like all of my strongest beliefs, this opinion was formed in my early twenties while drinking at a bar. After one sip, I decided right then and there that Magic Hat #9 was God’s gift to Satan.
However, I’m in a stage in my life where I’ve come to realize that everything – people, beers, even cats – deserve second chances. What if Magic Hat #9 isn’t actually as terrible as I remember it? What if it’s worse? I had to give it another try, just to be sure. And I had to make other people drink it with me, because if it was still awful, I didn’t want to go it alone.
The least I could do for my friends who were coming over to help me drink Magic Hat #9 on a Friday night, when so many better beers could be drunk, was treat them to a movie. Not just any movie, though. It had to fit the theme. It had to be a perfect pairing. It had to be a terrible movie that I hadn’t seen in about 7 years. Naturally, I chose to take Magic Hat #9 and parrot with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Needless to say, nobody was pleased with my pairing, but everybody understood it had to be done. Ten people joined me for the screening and the drinking, and they were so very sad. We started off with a round of “real” beers to soften the blow, and then the fun began.
We all popped open our Numero Nueves and took our first swigs as the opening credits started. There was an overwhelming feeling and sound of disgust from the entire room, but it was too late – we had to finish what we started. While my friends complained and, I think, purposefully tried to spill their beers, I was actually not quite as dismayed as I had anticipated. Don’t get me wrong, the beer wasn’t good, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had remembered.
I remembered the flavors being more potent when I first drank Magic Hat #9, and while they were still bad flavors, they were pretty weak. I don’t know if it was this realization, or the fact that I was distracted by an elderly Indiana Jones running through a large warehouse with Cate Blanchett who was playing some sort of Russian janitor, but I told myself, “I can totally get through this, no problem.”
Then the beer started to get warm, and the taste evolved into something very unpleasant. Some people said it tasted like copper, while I got a distinct mint flavor. As Shia LeBeouf swung from vines with monkeys who looked like they were straight out of Jumanji (apparently CGI monkeys haven’t been improved since 1995), I began to have my doubts. What had I done? Would we survive? Why is Shia LeBeouf even in this movie?
Well, this may come as a shock to you, but we did survive. It was a close call, though. As we completed our journey, I asked everyone to answer the following questions so I could gain some meaningful insight from my friends’ perspectives:
- How did “Crystal Skull” make you feel?
- What does Magic Hat #9 taste like to you?
- What were the best/worst parts of the movie/beer?
- What would you liken this experience to?
- Anything else?
Here are some of their responses:
- Horny
- Three day old butthole
- The smoke break I took
- Climbing my favorite tree with a broken arm…no, two broken arms.
- Love is a fart you can’t stop smelling
- The movie made me feel happy and sad. George Lucas, man.
- Magic Hat made me feel drunk (and other things, too)
- Best part of the movie: Monkeys, Shia LeBeouf; Worst part: Aliens, Cate Blanchett. Best part of the beer: Alcohol; Worst part: Taste.
- How did/do people make both of these things and not realize it was/is terrible. They’re not Tommy Wisseau.
- Like I entered an alternate universe where Indiana Jones was super old and his movies were really bad and Shia LeBeouf was sexy.
- Magic Hat #9 tastes like medicine that just makes you sick.
- The best part was Cate Blanchett exploding. The worst part was realizing that Indiana Jones was just an old man and we’re all going to die soon.
- Going back to a place you remember was really awesome when you were younger, but now it’s just kinda weird and depressing and Shia LeBeouf is there for some reason.
A few people just left some general comments:
The Crystal Skull made me want to jump, but the Magic Hat pushed me over the edge. – Phil
Salt & vinegar chips + Reese’s eggs = Surprisingly good!
Magic #9 tasted like generic light beer that sat in a tub full of pennies.
(I’ll be honest, I liked this last note a lot more when thought it said “a tub full of penises.”)
One person who shall not be named (it was Margaret) even liked the Magic Hat #9:
I liked the first one (I wish to stay anonymous), but…I declined a second one. It’s an easy drink, but anything else sounded better. It’s like a light lager with bitterness and a sort of herbal-turned-urine taste. The Crystal Skull made me feel reminiscent, but like someone had modernized and then CGI(Friday)’d my memory of Indiana Jones Movies. – Anonymous
I think these drawings by our beer bud, Seth, sum up the evening pretty well:
So, yeah, that’s it. Magic Hat #9 may not be the worst beer, but it’s still not very good, and you’d probably be better off wearing some poop on your head.